"Who can say that I've been changed for the better?"

I don't know about you, but I can say for myself that I have been changed for the better. I say this not because I think I'm the coolest person I know, or anything like that (even though I am pretty cool.) Instead, I say this because I've found a life enhancing answer. An answer that people twice my age all around the world are still looking for. This thing I've recently found about life is to try. Try to be kind. Try to get good grades, or a promotion at work. Try to be the best possible you, you can be!

Now, this is where I tell you my life experience involving trying and rant about becoming a better person. So if you'd rather not read that, stop now.

Okay, so my life has been short. I've only got 19 years under my belt, but this is something that has become very imperative on my life quality. You see, I am blessed with two very kind parents. Parents who taught me my whole life to work hard for what I wanted. They taught me that nothing comes for free, and to never give up. You would think that I would have listened right? Well, not exactly. I've always been the kid who gets by. Sure, I never fail classes, but I also never ace them. Sure I'm not the nicest person around, but I'm not the meanest either. Sure, I'm not the prettiest girl, but I'm also not the ugliest. Honestly this has been my outlook on life! As long as I'm not the worst, why should I have to be the best?

Here's why: the kids who ace classes feel much more accomplished. The nicest people always have the nicest friends. The prettiest people are always the happiest.

Now I'm not talking about the smart kid who never has to study to get the A+, or the person who is nice when it's convenient for them, or the superficial pretty who take ten hours to get ready and judge anyone wearing pajamas. I'm talking about the people who try. The people who work their butt off for that A, so that they can hang out with their friends later. The people who genuinely try their absolute hardest to never speak a mean word to anyone, about anyone. And the people who create inner beauty by surrounding themselves in uplifting environments.

So that’s why I can say I've been changed for the better. Just the fact that I've realized how much trying can change your life, my life has been changed! I'm still working on this whole trying thing though. I mean its almost three in the afternoon and I'm still in my pajamas.. BUT I've realized that sitting around in an idol state is the worst possible thing you can do to yourself in this life. Regardless of whether you get up or not, the sun will still rise and set. When it sets what can you say you've honestly done better today than yesterday. Tomorrow when the sun rises, what will you try to do to become a better you.

Each day we should strive to be better than we were the day before. No matter who we are or what we've done we can always be better than yesterday. I'm not saying we have to be perfect, or that you shouldn't make mistakes, because really our mistakes help us later. I'm just saying that striving to not make mistakes, striving for perfection, gives us a better outlook on life.

Shouldn't we live our life’s striving for happiness? As we decide to reach for our dreams, as we decide to try, we can live happy life’s. I've learned that. Because I've decided to try and make each day better than the last I have had so much fun with so many people. Hopefully we can all learn to try, and lead joyful lifes. 

Where are We Supposed to Stand?

Okay, so we see this everyday in our world. It's a little bit overbearing at times, but it seems as if the people around us expect things, they expect us to do or only follow one thing. Sometimes it can be good, and other times not so much. Either way, one thing I have learned is that there is no one place for me to stand. For example, recently I had to make a very hard choice, I had to decide if I wanted to stay in Idaho, find a home in Arizona, or follow my parents to Kansas. What the heck?! It wasn't easy because I had all of these people that I loved and wanted to please, and ultimately spend my time with!

What would you do!? It was so hard, I felt like by making one choice, it would make the other people feel like I didn't love them as much as the others. As I made my choice though, I realized that regardless of where I was, I would be with all of them! By choosing one place to live, I wasn't showing the others that I wasn't there for them, because I get to stand by them even if it's a few states away.

That's only one of the things I've learned about my place. Another thing I've learned is the expectation on beliefs. Our world is so unbelievably close minded. If you are against abortion then you probably hate gays, and love terrorists. On the other side if you're for abortion then you probably smoke pot and hate God, oh and own a Prius. Just putting that in my blog makes my skin crawl. Not only because I said it, but because it's truly how people view others. Well guess what? Just because I believe on thing does not mean that I am closed minded and have the same view on everything else. For instance, I happen to think abortion should be against the law aside from rape, incest, or health of the mother. I also happen to be against the death sentence. I know, I literally just blew your mind. How dare I believe two things that happen to be supported by opposing parties. It's because I have the freedom to make those choices myself. Regardless of what other people think I should believe, or regardless of where I stand, I can stand where I want, and as many places as I want. There is no limit to the possibilities. 

The last thing that has really hit me on finding where I stand, is the timing in my life. I am at this age, this very weird uncomfortable strange age. I've found myself in a divided world. Some people say, stay single, party, graduate from college, then get a career. Some people say find a husband, have some kids, and stay at home and enjoy every moment with them. Then some people tell me to do ALL of the above! I am barely nineteen years old. Every one of these things haunt my every nightmare, and at the same time they haunt me as I walk around and communicate with those around me. But here's what I've learned: there is not one path. There is not one way. There is not one choice. My life is unique to me. Not to what someone else did when they were my age, not to what others think I should be doing. But ultimately my life is between me and my Father in Heaven. He has mapped out so many places for me to go, and things for me to do. As I go through this life doing the simple things he has asked me to do, I will be able to stand in my places and do the AMAZING things he has in store for me. 

So here is my point: you don't have to do something because everyone wants you to do it, or because everyone else thinks its right. You should do everything based on what you think is right! Based on what you want to be and what you think will be the most helpful to you, and even by what you think will help you help others! Every life is different, every person is unique, everyone has a different reason to be happy. Let's be okay with that. Let's stop telling others where they should stand, and worry about yourself, and only encourage people to be good. Stop trying to force good, because in the end that's not good! Take from things what you will,  but don't let others decide your life. 

Big News!!

So I'm the worst blogger ever in the existence of all bloggers but I've got some news that I've been reluctant to share on the internet. Soon I will get back to my regular ranting and raving blogs, and even an update blog, but I feel like I needed to share some information about what I'm dealing with, and explain myself. So here I am, on my blog... I hope no one hates me, or thinks I'm stupid after this. If you do though, just know you're not the first. Try and be more original sheesh. 

Now here comes the information I've been dreading to share. My entire life I've been enthralled with music... Something about it and being a part of it just gives me a great happy feeling. As some of you know, I love it so much that I've been planning a career in music therapy pretty much since I was twelve. It speaks to me, and it still does. The capability to help heal others while using the power of music is absolutely divine. Yet for some reason I feel my life heading somewhere else. When I made the choice to attend BYU Idaho, I didn't know why that was what my Heavenly Father was helping me lean towards. It didn't seem right, but it did. It didn't have music therapy, even though that was my career choice.. But for some reason I still felt the need to go there. My dream had always been ASU but that definitely wasn't where I needed to be. So I went with what I thought was the best option. I enrolled at BYU Idaho as basically a general music major. I took a lot of music classes these past two semesters... And let me tell you, I hated all but maybe two of them. (I can't believe I'm finally admitting that to myself) I did awful in all of them. I didn't want to be there and easy things that I've been doing all my life weren't coming so easily to me.. I didn't know what I was doing. On the other hand... (Brace yourself.. It's about to get weird) I was doing exceptional in my math and science classes. I loved them! This is really hard for me to post online, but I'm considering making a big change in my career path. Instead of being a music therapist, I want to become a Civil Engineer. 

So I know that I haven't always been the brightest bulb in the box, but can people not change? This is something for me to figure out, something that I will work on with my Heavenly Father.

In the meantime, please don't put me down. I've been so afraid to post this because the majority of reactions are along the lines of "you can't do it."

Have you ever been told that you can't do it? Has someone ever implied that you simply are not smart enough or even good enough to follow your passion? Have you ever been told that you can't be a good parent and spouse while holding a job that challenges you to become better? I've been told all of these things within the last two months or so, and literally I've never been so heartbroken. Don't get me wrong I've felt support, from my dad, my cousin and her husband, and some random lady at a yogurt shop, and a few nods of "you could try I guess" but the good has been so little it's hard to feel like I can do it. So to those of you who simply don't think I will be able to do it, do me a favor and turn the other cheek. Instead of lecturing me on how I probably won't be able to do it because it's a lot of work, lecture that if I work extremely hard I could do it. So I don't want any "wow Id never thought YOU would want that" or snarky "good luck with that" comments. If that's what you're thinking. Keep it in your mind please. 

Becoming a civil engineer feels so right. It seems to me that my Heavenly Father new exactly why I needed to be at BYU Idaho, where they don't have a music therapy program, but do have a top of the line Engineering program. I know that as I work hard in life my weaknesses will become my strengths. I have faith that if this is something Heavenly Father wants me to do that I can do it if I remain hard working and faithful. I wasn't put on this earth to do what I thought was best, I was put here to live my life as the person my Heavenly Father needs me to be. Every choice is so critical that I can not take this lightly. I hope that my loved ones won't take it lightly either. 

If I haven't made it clear already, I am serious about this. And if it is a choice I make, I will pour one hundred percent of my effort into being the best civil engineer  I can possibly be. I can't express to anyone how willing I am and wanting I am to pursue this. So if you really care about me, don't tell me I can't do it, encourage me to become a better me whether it's as a civil engineer or a music therapist. Encourage me to grow and learn no matter what. 

Why is life so hard?

Life is awful. Painful. Troubling. Confusing. Terrifying. Great. Yes, great. I know it's hard to think about. If life has all of these challenges and difficulties, what's great about it? 

Let me tell you, no matter how hard life is you are breathing. 

You have lungs to breath, a heart to keep blood flow, and a brain to think. You have so much. So even when life is hard, remember it's not impossible. 

I know this can be hard to digest. Some of us have family and friends who may be broken. Their brain heart and lungs may not work, but for some reason they are still here. That's because they are loved, not only that but they have a magnified ability to love. Never once in my entire life have I met someone who had a disability and a hate towards life. Why? Because when something is taken away from us, it's easier to see how great it was, and how great other things are. Why is life hard? Because if it wasn't why would we need love? Why would we need to be happy? If nothing ever happened to make us sad, nothing would ever happen for us to rejoice in. No matter what belief we have, I believe that if every human honestly looked inside of them they would see the benefits that came from the trials that left scars on their hearts. Everyone of us, if we truley looked, can see the blessings and lessons that came from struggles. I think we can all agree that there is hope through hard times. When we get hurt, if we think "what do I need to take from this?" Instead of "why?" Life won't be so hard. 

With this in mind, I want to speak directly to you. Whether you've accepted it or are still working through I know your hurting. Please don't give up. My best friend posted this quote: "Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead." Elder Jefferey R. Holland. Don't you see? This isn't it. It's not the end, keep going! You can do this! There is love all around you. There are lessons you've learned! Look at them, apply them. You know what's right. You can't deny the right inside of you. Do what is right. Keep walking. If you need get on your knees. Christ, he'll help you back up. But please, please don't fall down. Don't turn to the wrong thing because it's hard. Do what you know is best. Remember it will get better. You are loved. I love you.

The New Year

I don't normally do this whole "let me catch you up on my life thing," because I really just like to rave and rant, but I thought I'd give it a go. 2013 was probably the most challenging year of my life yet. This past year is the year that I had to grow up. Nothing will be the same after this year. This year had been a tiny glimpse of what seems to lye in front of me. Starting 2013 was exciting. It was the year that I graduated High School! I was so excited to graduate, but I had the worst case of senioritis known to man. I'm pretty sure that I had it so bad other kids were catching it by looking at me. I was a pretty lazy senior, and let me tell you-- it was great. Graduation was spectacular! It was grand. I felt so much support and love around me as both me and my dad had the opportunity to walk across the same stage, within the same month, and accept diplomas. (Different diplomas obviously.)

 It was a good time, but little did I know what summer had in store. Don't get me wrong, summer was great! I made a lot of new friends, which is pretty cool. I also grew as a person. I spectated things to come, and I tried and tried to prepare myself for these things. The only thing about summer that wasn't so great was my job. I'm pretty sure that I worked at a restaurant that had a huge turn over rate for managers. It was like there was a new manager everyday and none of them were consistent with each other! One of them tells me the right way to do something, and the next day another manager told me it was wrong and a different right way! Basically I was always getting lost in instruction, but after a while it was easy to keep up with all of their quirks when it came to how things got done. Then finally in September, about a month after all of my friends left for college, college finally started for me!

College, well college is crazy. I love it, but I will admit that it was a huge roller coaster. Starting college was the worst. I was leaving ALL of my friends and family to go to a new state that I didn't know, full of people I didn't know. That, that my friends is scary. But I did it, and I went into it with a big smile on my face and it was awesome. It was much better than I could have imagined! Even though I went into it basically alone, I had a bunch of people around me who were also alone...kinda. So basically they were stuck with me.

But all joking aside, it was so fun to start, everyone was kind (some people too kind) but for the most part it was grand. This past semester I faced some serious ups and downs. Ranging from getting sick the second week of school, to missing home more than anything in the world, to only having a total of 56 cents under my name for a week. The good news is that I passed! Not only that, but I learned. I learned that life isn't easy but with hard work, you can do it. I learned to save money, because it sucks to be broke. (Also don't get speeding tickets!) I learned that other people aren't always going to be nice, but to keep my head up and decide to not let other peoples attitude affect me. (That one was the hardest.) I learned that sometimes we feel alone, but that state of mind is only put in my life so that I can grow and learn. I learned that Heavenly Father answers every prayer, but not always the way we want him to. I learned that some hard times also have to be spread out into long periods of time, that way I can really learn from the hardship. I learned that if you miss choir ten times, you will get a C. I learned that women's choir isn't fun. (Actually, its awful.) Let's just say, I learned. After this last semester was all said and done, I finally got to come home and be with my family for two whole weeks!! Two weeks was probably more than I could have asked for, but to be honest two weeks is not long enough. As some people may or may not know, my wonderful dad has landed an amazing job in Kansas. I am so proud of him. At the same time, I have made the decision to not live in Kansas with them once this next college semester is over and that is scary. My parents have given me the best life possible. They have loved me every second of every day and they have only ever done what's best for me. Although I know that they will always be that way to me, I am terrified of the fact that they will be in a completely different state as me for the next five maybe longer years. Yes, we will visit, but it will never be the same. I've been told though, that change is good. This is a good change actually it's a great change! I'm so happy for what great things lie ahead for my wonderful parents, I know that they will do amazing things. Yet tomorrow when I get on the plane, I get on knowing that this chapter of my life, this chapter I've known for the past eighteen years is over. It's all over, it won't be like it is now ever again. Who's to say it won't be better? No one. It may be better, but I get on that plane tomorrow knowing that I have to grow up now. It's my time to figure out what plan it is that heavenly father has in store for me. It's time for me to grow as a person in this world. Most people felt this way when they left for college probably, but I always knew where home was even in college. But now, I'm not going to have this house with two wonderful parents again. When I get on the plane, I leave everything I know. Is time for me to find what Heavenly Father has in store for me. 2014 is going to be a year of discovery. I am looking so forward to this year, but let me tell you, I am going to miss these years. But, this upcoming year is going to be full of excitement and adventure I can just feel it. I am so excited for what Heavenly Father has in store for me. I am so grateful for everything I've ever had and learned, but now it's time for me to start and new chapter. Here's to the year that will change everything! :)

What if we could fix our mistakes?

Today, I had an assignment in which I had to write about a question that was full of thought. That was great because I have an entire blog dedicated to that, my only problem lied in being, what question should I ask. My thoughts turned to this: What if we could travel back in time and fix the mistakes we've made? I came to two conclusions. My first thought was-- That would be wonderful and glorious. I would be so happy if I could just go back and undo all the harm I've done. Unsay the words I've hurt with. Start over every time I do harm. Then I realized that although I'm not the one physically doing that, Christ is. I have hurt people, I have hurt myself, I have done wrong, and yet through Christ I have had the ability to fix those things. I know that Christ helped me to fix the things I messed up. I am so grateful for that. How much love he must have if he goes and fixes every painful and terrible mistake I have ever made, or you have ever made! Our brother loves us. And believe me I love him. The next conclusion I came to, was that I'm glad that I don't have the ability to see my wrongs go away and forget they never happen, and not face consequences.  Although, my sins are taken care of, I still learn from them. If every time I made a mistake I just went and took it back, I would probably end up making that same mistake time and time again. Could you imagine the evil world that would be? "I can murder her because, hey tomorrow I'll make it so it never happened!" Okay- thats extreme but you get the point. Children would never learn that calling someone a bad word is mean, if they could erase it instead of deal with their rightful consequences. Our flaws, our mistakes, our problems define us. These are the things that we work to overcome. Whether we do this in a positive matter or stay negative, it will teach us. And we will become what we take from our mistakes. If we didn't have mistakes, we would never learn. When we make mistakes, we should get up and try try again. How would we ever learn the correct way to love if we didn't know there was a wrong way? Its all a part of life. We need to take the time to decide what we will take from our mistakes, and what we will make of our selves.

How do we find our people?

There are so many people that we have. I can't even express the appreciation for these people. I wish I could understand how to be as wonderful as they are. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to have these people, and how I probably don't deserve them. So let me start answering the question, how do we find OUR very own people.

These are my parents, and some of my people. How did I find them? Well let me tell you, it was not simply by choice or coincidence. It was planned out very thoughtfully by a creator much more powerful than you or I. These people were my very first gift. I was given them for a reason, and I believe that there are many reasons they were given to me. The first reason being to help teach and guide me through my life. They have literally seen me at my best and at my worst and in both situations they have kept my feet firmly on the ground. These people are my ground. They keep me safe and warm. They keep me healthy and happy. They do so much  for ME. They are one of  the best gifts anyone has ever thought to give me. The other reason I think they are mine, is to help teach and prepare them for something greater. Although they wanted more children, that wasn't something that they were able to have. Yet because of this I have seen them rise through our Heavenly Fathers love. I have seen them become strong because they have come to accept that it is all in the Lords time. I'm sure they had days when they asked something like "you gave us her?! Really?!" and yet I never felt anything but love from them. In devotional today, the speaker spoke of having to deal with disrespectful or defying children as being a practice run for the eternities. If a third of their spirit children defy them, they will still have nothing but love for them because of what they have learned in this life. I know my parents are amazing people. I have seen them grow as they watched me grow. I feel so much gratitude and love for them, I wish I had a way to express it. I know that they are my people, and everyone has parents as their people. Whether your parent has passed from this life, or has chosen not to be a part of your life, or whatever it may be, they have taught you something. You have most likely gained strength and learning whether it be because of the mistakes they made or the love they gave. They have affected you in some way, and it molds you into who you are. Our parents are our people first and foremost, and for that we should remember, respect, and love them no matter what we think and feel.

This is my person: Megan. She is the closest thing I have to a sister and I am so grateful to her especially because she added/is adding two more people into my life. 

David

David

I could never express my love for her. I strongly believe that the reason we don't have the same parents is because we needed different trials. That fact gives me much pain, and yet and the same time I am so grateful because she has taught me so much.  She taught me that when you fall, its okay to cry a little, but you better get back up and move on because crying for too long won't fix everything. She helped give me the light of Christ. Her example of wanting to good has always made an impression on me. I have always been able to look up to her, just as I would to a sister or brother. She has made me so strong and I know with everything inside my soul that I can go to her in a time of need and she will pull me out of any problem with one hand. She doesn't let people or things get the best of her, she just always helps others and shows love. She gave me a sorta brother-in-law who is probably turning out to be one of my best friends too! David is so awesome to Megan and me, and I'm so glad she married him! I'm grateful to both of them for giving me the opportunity to be an aunt to Baby Davey. I can not express how excited I am for this little boy to get here!! I am so glad that they are my people. I don't know what I would do without them. I would never sing and dance in cars, I would never get McDonalds at midnight, and I would never have anyone to make me real authentic home made Chinese food. Seriously they are the greatest. So your probably thinking, how do I find my Megan and David? Well just look for that person that has been an example of strength and goodness to you. Find that person who will always be there for you, even when you a butt-head. Find the one who will always make you feel like you belong. If you do that, then you have found your very own Megan and David.

This girl right here is the Bee's Knee's. She also happens to be my best friend. 

This is my person who is my other half. In every way this can be thought of. Our names have been combined into one to create the knew name for us--Pamberly. We taught each other so much, and we still are! Everyday I learn from her! But most of all, I have the most fun with this person right here. I know that I can rely on her to make me laugh! Sometimes I get mad at her for making me laugh, you know those days when you just want to cry and then your best friend says something hilarious and you just laugh but on the inside your mad? Yeah, that's this girl. But honestly I could never truly be mad at her. She is so great and happy all the time, and even when she gets mad it makes me laugh cause shes just so dang funny!! Also the times I do cry around her are so few, because she hardly gives me that chance! She always finds a way to make the bad stuff go away even if its just for an hour or so. Being away from my best friend is so hard. I can't explain the amount of time we spent together because some might say it wasn't healthy, but hey, we were having fun! The memories I have made with this girl are endless, and I can't wait to make more! One time we watched an entire season of a show where brides compete to get nose jobs and plastic surgery, in one night! Just because! Haha! No matter what I'm doing, she always is there and I can't explain how much I miss her! She is my person who knows everything but won't make me dwell on the bad. She keeps me positive and happy all the time. She's my person who knows how I'm feeling even if I try so hard to cover it up. She's my person who will do the most ridiculous things with me, just to have fun... as long as  its not tooo ridiculous. She is just my person, and I'm so glad.

This is my person, Cassie. 

I love her with all of my heart. It was fate that we were meant to be best friends from the  moment our moms both knew they were pregnant! Cass has been around my entire life. Literally, I love the pictures of us when we matched and so on as little girls, and how we have pictures of us matching still. I think its safe to say that we know each other better than we know ourselves. Although we have turned out to be quite different from one another, we still share so much common ground, mostly stemming for our love for one another. Although we can easily irritate one another, I know that Cassie is so amazing and deserves only the best that life has to give, and every day I'm rooting for her to get the best. She is the best. I love her so much. Its her birthday today too! So if you know her please don't forget to wish her the best. Honestly though, she knows exactly what I do, we can relate in so many ways, and yet we can teach each other things we never expected. We grew up together, and I am so grateful for her and all of the things she has done for me. I am so grateful to have her in my life, I can't even explain what we've been through and seen together. We were those little girls that watched and knew what was going on, when everyone thought we had no clue. She's the one I can count on to be there when we attract bears and creepy old men in the woods. She is the one that had matching barbie walkie talkies with. She's the one that I had my first makeover with. We made tablecloths into dresses when we were kids. Me and Cassie? Yeah we're best friends and I love her. You can find your own Cassie by thinking of the person who you grew  up with stuck to your hip. That person that you still consider your best friend no matter what. That person you will always love. Happy Birthday Cassie, I love you!

These people right here, they are some of my new people. 

Sammie, Alexa, and Mishelle. They actually happen to be my rock in this new and strange place I'm in. I'm so glad to have found friends like these girls. Although I'm still getting to know them, they have already taught me so much. They have shown me how to be extremely strong, and how to persevere through hard things. I think that in this first semester of college,  I have faced some of my hardest challenges, ranging from being so broke my bank account balance was .1 to having to accept hard and difficult changes. Although my trials are not even close to being over, these girls have and still are helping me get through them. They have helped me so much especially considering most of my other people are far away from me, they have become my support in a strange world. When I say strange, I mean it. College has some weird crap going on all the time. They have showed me how to live when the only thing I want to do is give up. They became a support system when I felt like I had none, and they don't even judge me! Its great, I'm typing at one in the morning and Alexa's not cutting my throat! I am so grateful for the kindness and love they have shown me, and I'm grateful for the ability to bond with them in the short amount of time that I've known them. How do you find these people in your life? When you are far from home, find the people there to hold your hand while you work on getting home. Find the people who try to understand you, and care about what your going through. Find those that want to help you. And you'll find these people.

There are endless amounts of people I could add to the list of my people, but honestly we would die of boredom if that really happened. All I can say now, is thank you. Thank you to all of the people I mentioned, but even thank you to the people I didn't mention. I couldn't imagine life without my people. Sometimes in life we become lonely. But that is a state of mind. Loneliness never truly exists. We should get ourselves out of that lonely mindest, and find our people. Find the ones who show you how to live. Find a way to give those people something in return. Find your people.